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BEER
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
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SYMPTOM
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CAUSE
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CORRECTIVE
ACTION
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Feet
cold and wet
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Glass
Being held at incorrect angle.
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Rotate
glass so that open end points toward ceiling
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Feet
warm and wet
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Improper
Bladder Control
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Stand
next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
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Beer
unusually pale and tasteless
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a.
Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite
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Get
someone to buy you another beer
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Opposite
wall covered with fluorescent lights
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You
have fallen over backward.
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Have
yourself leashed to bar
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Mouth
contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes
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You
have fallen forward
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See
above
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Beer
tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
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a.
Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
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Retire
to restroom, practice in mirror
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Floor
Blurred
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You
are looking through bottom of empty glass
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Get
someone to buy you another beer
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Floor
moving
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You
are being carried out
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Find
out if you are being taken to another bar
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Room
seems unusually dark
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Bar
has closed
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Confirm
home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack
to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
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Taxi
suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures
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Beer
consumption has exceeded personal limitations
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Cover
mouth, open window, stick head outside
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Everyone
looks up to you and smiles
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You
are dancing on the table
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Fall
on someone cushy-looking
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Beer
is crystal-clear
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It's
water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
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Punch
him
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People
are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
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You're in the ladies' room
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Do
not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down
the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
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Hands
hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear
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You
have been in a fight
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Apologize
to everyone you see, just in case it was them
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Don't
recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
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You've
wandered into the wrong party
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See
if they have free beer
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Your
bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel
door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
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a.
You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
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Sleep
it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new
roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
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You
are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing
leather chaps
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You're
in a gay bar
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Keeping
your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept
offers for backrubs
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Your
singing sounds distorted
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The
beer is too weak
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Have
more beer until your voice improves
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Don't
remember the words to the song
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Beer
is just right
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Play
air guitar
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