Stargate: Atlantis
Reviews of the Final Episodes… in haiku!
Dear Readers,
Seventeen syllables an episode. Thirteen episodes. Two hundred twenty-one syllables in total. I have too much free time.
-WJT
“The Queen”
I might call it a
formula, but formulae
don’t end as they start.
1.5 stars out of 4
Mediocre
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 0-0 (episode); Sheppard 9 – Ronon 5 (season)
Next Time: The trailer tells me that, between McKay and Some Girl, “One will live; one… will die!” Anyone want to bet on the girl living?
“Tracker”
Jewel Statie shines.
Dex and McKay bask in it.
Plot is unsubtle.
2.5 stars out of 4
Average-Plus
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 0-2 (episode); Sheppard 9 – Ronon 7 (season)
Next Time: They blow up the gate room again! I hope Atlantis pays their janitorial staff a lot of overtime!
“First Contact”
There’s no time for new
baddies! Start using your cast!
Still… pacing was great.
3 stars out of 4
Good
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 1-0 (episode); Sheppard 10 – Ronon 5 (season)
Next Time: All the preview told me are things we already know, interspersed with explosions. I guess the fact that I can’t make a snarky remark about it means it was a pretty decent trailer.
“The Lost Tribe”
Asgard? For reals?
What a let-down! Why’s Jackson
upstaging the leads?
2 stars out of 4
Average-Minus
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 1-3 (episode); Sheppard 11 – Ronon 8 (season)
Next Time: Geeze, Beckett again? If I were Jewel Statie, I’d sue. Also, there’s some dude at the end of the trailer who’s apparently “one of their own,” but I can’t make it out through the fuzz. It’s not a black dude, so I guess Rainbow Sun Francks’s last appearance will be in a poorly-scripted dream sequence. Oh, well. Guess that’s one more reason I’m glad I’m not Rainbow Sun Francks.
“Outsiders”
Look, I love Beckett
as much as the next ‘Gate fan.
But he’s not main cast!
2 stars out of 4
Average-Minus
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 1-2 (episode); Sheppard 12 – Ronon 10 (season)
Next Time: Clip show? No. No, they couldn’t possibly do something so stupid in the middle of their last season. I must be misinterpreting the trailer.
“Inquisition”
Star Trek joke, scene one.
I hoped for some Luther Sloan.
I got Shades of Gray.
1 star out of 4
Bad
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: minus-1/minus-1 (episode); Sheppard 11 – Ronon 9 (season)
Next Time: Connor Trinneer returns to the show in the new guest role of Rumpelstilkskin!
“The Prodigal”
Innovative plot
did not happen. What more to
say? Teyla matured!
1.5 stars out of 4
Mediocre
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 1-2 (episode); Sheppard 12 – Ronon 11 (season)
Next Time: Hey, is that that Genii dude we nuked in season two? Sweet. I liked the Genii. Am I spelling that remotely right?
“Remnants”
Sure, plot was a trick.
But the characters deepened.
And there were good lines.
2.5 stars out of 4
Average-plus
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 2-0 (episode); Sheppard 14 – Ronon 11 (season)
Next Time: Looks like a McKay/Keller alternate reality. I hope they’re our McKay and Keller, but, frankly, McKay’s wearing a bow tie, so whatever they do will be fine by me.
“Brain Storm”
One of the best scripts
in recent memory. And
then BILL NYE showed up. <3
3.5 stars out of 4
Outstanding
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 0-0 (episode); Sheppard 14 – Ronon 11 (season)
Next Time: Eh. Viruses. Zombies, probably. I wonder if McKay’s going to go back to Earth. I’d miss him, but I wonder if Mr. Woolsey would consider filling the science genius job opening with BILL NYE! I’m really pleased that I don’t read any spoilers beyond the trailers, because BILL NYE’s appearance tonight? Totally blindsided me. Of course, my DVR skipped during the guest star list, too, which probably helped. Oh, and that reference to Firefly’s “Shindig”? Priceless. I’d better quit now, before I write a whole gushing review of this episode. Or worse—start noticing the weaknesses in pacing and consummation.
“Infection”
Removed all clichés
quite well, actually, but
preserved no suspense.
1.5 stars out of 4
Mediocre
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 0-1 (episode); Sheppard 14 – Ronon 12 (season)
Next Time: I honestly have no idea what’s happening based on the trailer. “Tabula Rasa” with stabbing wounds is all I can manage.
“Identity”
Jen was a jewel.
(As always.) So was Neeva.
Reheated rehash.
2 stars out of 4
Average-minus
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 0-1 (episode); Sheppard 14 – Ronon 12 (season)
Next Time: The much-ballyhooed “Vegas” turns out to be Atlantis’s last of the innumerable “parallel worlds” stories! Ah, well. Can’t be worse than “Outcast”.
“Vegas”
CSI: ‘lantis
with “John” and “Rod.” In suits! Smart…
Stylistically.
3 stars out of 4
Good
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 2-0 (episode); Sheppard 16 – Ronon 12 (season)
Next Time: After five seasons, the Wraith finally reach Earth. And it’s all alt-Sheppard’s fault. Honestly, though, with so little build-up and so little personal trust that the Atlantis team will have one of their good weeks, I’m having trouble getting excited for it. I will miss this show when it’s gone, though.
“Enemy at the Gates”
Tons of eye candy.
Very little food for thought.
That’s a fitting end.
2.5 stars out of 4
Average-Plus
Sheppard-Ronon Aura of Manliness Season 5 Competition Update: 2-4 (episode) Sheppard 18 – Ronon 16 (season; final score)
The final scene: was nice. Real nice. Yes, I’m a sentimental sap and a McKay/Keller ‘shipper to boot.
That’s all, ‘lanteans! I may be back for Universe, but, honestly, probably not. The big hit counts are in fan films, and so it is fan films I shall most likely review, if Our Benefactor chooses to rehire me at all. If this is my final word on Atlantis—thanks for the ride! Rarely great, often terrible, I loved you for your quick wit, pure sense of fun, and willingness to not go all dark and gritty just because Galactica was doing it!
For myself, I’m gonna go curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find.
